Return to the Hall: Reflection on Ritual and Belonging

It was the times like this when we were all lined up and ready to go that I was reminded of the absurdity of all this.

I’d catch my reflection off something and realized how ridiculous I looked.

But then I would remind myself to them, my world looked equally ridiculous wearing hakama, and we also had our own cast of characters.

As we were getting ready Lucen has asked if I wanted to read from a script, that it would be OK for a first time.

I told him the script he sent me was fine, I had looked it over and committed it to memory, most of it being the same from what I remember, the few different embellishments had Lucen’s personality all over it.

I appreciated his extension of helping me to fit in.

Stepping out onto the floor, a feeling of familiarity and nostalgia.

I could have easily fooled myself into believing this was another equally familiar place.

Yet, there were subtle differences in dimensions and finish.

The biggest difference was that this was built as a permanent structure compared to something that required the change of location and venue from time to time.

That was the biggest difference in the feeling.

I had mixed emotions, in that what would they have thought?

Would the approve, or would they have been even more disappointed at me arriving right back here.

Why then leave in the first place?

I didn’t have a internal answer for this, and things were getting started, so I let it just float away.

It was fun to watch Lucen, he was a king holding court at the far end of the Hall.

He wasn’t just playing the part, he was the part, and I wondered who else in the Hall beyond his partner could see that.

Lucen was what he had always hoped to be.

Somehow, I had stepped into a new home, and the others didn’t quite know what to make of me yet.

Like a cousin from a distant family that sort of looks like your family, with a bit of skepticism in meeting for the first time.

What caught my attention was Lucen’s partner, standing in the middle of the Hall, myself in front of her and Lucen behind her.

It wasn’t when she spoke, the gravity around her was when she didn’t speak, when she was just standing there.

Instinct told me she was the real focal point behind the Hall.

Her eyes never left me.

At one point I found myself looking at my feet, and I wasn’t sure why.

Maybe part of a cultivated habit of always checking and maintain correct posture and form?

Was I being evaluated?

Another moment when it all looked ridiculous.