It was a hard and thankless job.
An impossible job.
And she was the one holding it together.
If one was watching this thing from outside the floor, it would appear that Lucen was the one directing things.
He determined when it started, one people moved around the floor, and determined the pace of the script by how he asked the questions.
There was a visible, rising power behind him, one that was always an amazing part to be a part of.
Yet, I think he would agree that there were others in the group that could and we able to do what he did, with an individual flare of course.
This took nothing away from him in the least.
Yet, it was her that held the gravity in the room and could change the course of that gravity based on just where she was sitting.
Sometimes she would ask you a question, rarely would she offer advice.
I found her advice quite good, and wish she gave more of it.
I felt myself more self-conscious around what Lucen was able to do, because I was not able to do it at the adept level her was.
Maybe if something catastrophic happened and I was the last man standing I’d make a good fill in, but fortunately there were always better choices and more capable people in the group.
That is what I enjoyed the most about this group, for the first time I was not in or expected to be in a leadership role.
It was nice to be a junior again and be responsible for nothing.
How fast we want to climb that ladder, and leave that simple joy behind of being new.
Lucen would often lead the philosophical lectures after the dinner gathering each month, and I enjoyed his lectures very much, laced with insight that one would require a dozen books to gleam from, but I was always a bit more interested to see where she sat, and how the composition of the person she was sitting next to changed.
All without saying a word.
Some said there was some sort of energy thing going on.
Perhaps.
Tonight talk was very philosophical, that aspect of the personality that does not survive death once the identity of the body ceases.
It was an interesting split.
Almost 50/50.
Half the room was working on completely letting go of any karma so the last threads of it would dissolve on death, and the other half was working on completely building a form of karma so the personality would survive death.
Lucen had once asked where I stood due to my experiences in the dojo, that transmission from the East, I had thus circled around most of my life.
I was aware of it, but at heart I was a man of the West.
I had once shared a private experience with Lucen as I wanted his take on it as he had studied both the Eastern and Western ideas in that moment and I was curious about what she might have to say about it.
Working more hours than I should have been for too long.
Pushing myself with stimulants to time both of the markets.
It would be one thing if I was creating art, but instead I was chasing money.
Money.
Warning signs were dismissed as I counted on, I was still young enough as not to worry, I still have a good ten years to go, at least.
The alarm on my watch was the first to flash an audio warning, and then the sensation in my chest followed.
A bodily instinct to lay on the ground, so instead I stood up, knowing if I laid on the ground that was it.
My only thought in that moment is what my family was how my family was going to find me when they came home.
Then it played out just like you might have read or watched in some of those experiences.
The next second stopped and stretched out.
I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted with that last second.
How would you spend that last second was the question I asked her.
It was an honest response, she didn’t know.
Her advice was that I had been given a test run and I had to figure out how to best use that for next time.