Black Belt Imposter

When I was given my shodan I didn’t have a plan for after receiving it.

All of my effort had been in developing the movement needed and the forms required to pass the exam.

When I stepped out on the dojo floor in that next class I felt exposed.

I was a black belt now, a senior in the dojo but what did that really mean?

New expectations were now placed on me, and would be expected, but I had no idea what those might be.

What did it mean to be a black belt?

Just as there were different ranks of junior students, there were different ranks of senior students. The upper-level black belts were still to high for me to understand, but similar first-degree black belts- maybe I should look at them?

Three of the first-degree black belts were collectively called “The Russians” in the dojo as all three were PHD students at the nearby University, spoke Russian, and shared similar traits of being over six feet tall and a mass of muscles.

They hit hard, knew their stuff, and once you got talking to them they were quite friendly.

The Russians all agreed.

I had the height but not the muscles, I should start lifting with them at the University gym.

The schedule was almost as intense as the dojo schedule and I did commit to it. We would lift first thing in the morning while Russian music played, and in the evening after classes and training we would work on cardio.

I couldn’t’ match them, but I did make steady and noticeable gains, gains that were even being noticed in the dojo.

I can’t say the lifting made my movement in the dojo better, but it did boost my confidence.

It was after the dojo did an embu at a Japanese cultural center that I first had the idea.

I had been a black belt for close to a year now and my movement and command of the first three forms was improving, I still felt like I was a fraud. In the lineup before and after class it felt like some people were maybe questioning why I was there.

When I approached my teacher and asked his permission he didn’t say no, which in the dojo doesn’t automatically mean a yes.

I would be allowed to do it as long as I did not miss any classes a the dojo and as long as I still lifted with the Russians, which surprised me that he knew I was still doing that.

Seeing my surprise he noted that he had no opinion on lifting with them, but since I did commit myself to that and them, he would hold me to that also.

His suggestion was to try it for six months and more importantly he gave me his permission for it at his suggestion.

Now all I had to do was wait for the next embu.

After the demonstration at the reception after I placed myself in the orbit of the dance teacher as she complimented our movement and performance during the presentation. I followed with a compliment that her student’s movement was equally beautiful and that there was much to appreciate from it.

Casually I let it drop that perhaps one day I would be able to take some classes to appreciate it myself, and that my teacher thought that would be a good idea to take some classes for a few months in the future.

Classes were in the evening in the nearby community center and not only was I one of the youngest, I was also the only man in the class. Fortunately while it was very relaxed and friendly I could immediately see the parallels to to the dojo which made it easy to fit in.

There were seniors and juniors, the teacher taught and the students listened, everybody had a place, and you never raised your hand. 

For the next few months my schedule was pretty tight.

Lifting in the morning with Russians and off to the deli to work after that. Late afternoon martial arts and dance practice on my own, and in the evening either cardio, the dojo, or the dance class.

I was learning a new way of presenting myself and while it did have an impact in the dojo, I can’t say I was any closer to feeling like a black belt.

When the dance classes ended my teacher approached me and asked what I thought about the experience.

Honestly?

While I had committed to it 100% for the duration and diligently practiced, I didn’t quite get the results I was hoping for.

And what about the weight lifting?

A similar experience.

The gains were good, but without more commitment I was never going to be the Russians.

And the dojo?

My teacher asked me why I was trying to put a label on something that already exists.

Was I a shodan on not?

If you are given a shodan, you are one, there is no need to look elsewhere, or try to become it.

Let that go and trust in the tradition (ryu) to take care of the rest.

There is no need to solve a problem that does not exist. 

Next Story: The Night The Blizzard Became Our Teacher.