The Gathering

Again…

There I stood against the upraised sword, trying to clear my mind all I could hear was the gokui:

Hell stands before the upraised sword, step in and heaven will be your reward.

Down came the sword and when I evaded it only clipped the hem of my uniform.

Again…

Looking at my teacher I wasn’t quite sure what he expected from me, as he mentioned that the Gathering was coming up.

Yes, the Gathering, the entire school was going along with the other sister schools in the area for a huge weekend of training.

But there was also the other part of the Gathering, and apparently that is what he was talking about.

It had never entered my mind that I would be attending for that, is that what we have been practicing for the past hour?

Most of the time my teacher was silent, the communication coming from where he placed himself or what was not said in the moment.

Direct.

He had not made his mind up yet if he would present me as I wasn’t ready, which was his fault as he just always thought there would be more time.

But now it was looking like there might not be more time.

Would I be OK not being presented?

Truthfully, I was OK with it, not only because he was my teacher and the relationship was not a democracy, but also such a think seemed still years off at best, I had enough obligations already on my plate.

The three of us stood outside the door waiting for our turn, and that was when the energy shifted, as it dawned on each of us at the same time that this was real, as in really happening.

The two other senior students deserved to be there, and while I was the most junior, I didn’t deserve to be there.

Maybe in another five years.

Being generous.

It was suddenly a question of who would go first, and that is where the other two hesitated.

I declared I’d go first, a mixture of absolute confidence and no frame of reference for what was through that door.

The other two senior students felt relieved by this decision.

Yet, as the time passed we softened and agreed that to do this together, we should follow protocol as this was budo.

Who was the most senior, who was second senior, and who was third?

This was the tradition.

This was the way.

Eventually I was left standing along outside the door with just myself and that is when it hit me.

Fear.

Something that was utterly alien to me and my journey in the martial arts.

I always had confidence, I always through myself into the training, always took what needed to be taken.

I had never been afraid.

I defined myself by composure, and now I hit a limit that I never knew existed. 

It took a few moments for me to register the surprise on my teachers face, moments after it registered where I even was.

Two large men carrying me out of the room as I couldn’t walk on my own.

Was he OK?

Did he pass?

It was the first time in our relationship that my teacher seemed concerned about me.

I don’t know what happened in that room, but apparently, I passed.