Grace

In my mind I can see myself standing across the street watching us.

You got in the car for a few minutes to ask about an assignment and we wound up talking for hours. 

I can’t remember the conversation, but I can imagine our proximity.

Facing each other, you made me laugh, and you lost some of your shyness.

When you got out of the car I was so happy.

She likes me.

I can see her walking into the night darkness as I lingered in the car, still smiling.

I freeze that moment in my mind, when she left what if I could whisper in my own ear.

Don’t.

That power behind that one word would have changed the pivot of my entire future.

I would not have entered the dojo, or at least not that dojo at that appointed time, which means our paths would not have crossed.

He would have still called me years later, and I would have still said yes to his offer, but this time I would have stayed.

The two others, those four years of their life that they poured into the game, would have just faded away, being powerless to help.

The only positive I could imagine was that I would have had the courage to say yes to the woman in the library.

So what would I really have done again at that moment?

Nothing, despite the cost being so high, it wasn’t worth it.

I knew she was flirting, and she knew she was flirting, but just to be sure I had my best friends girlfriend take her out to lunch, girl only, to find out.

You should kiss her was the verdict.

It was Valentines Day and in our circle of friends we were the only two without dates, as I think we were both testing each other.

When we finally kissed on the stairs under the moon, my first thought was why did we wait so long?

I was happy to have a girlfriend, not just any girlfriend but the best girlfriend. Somebody witty and funny, who could laugh and listen at the same time, who liked the same kind of music. Every time I saw you I wanted to run towards you and take you in my arms.

What I couldn’t see is that you weren’t running towards me, you were running away from him.

Everybody said we should have dinner at that new restaurant down by the water, and it was beautiful, you were beautiful in your blue dress. Halfway through we realized this wasn’t for us, and we left to go to the bar down the street with the live music. 

You were just waiting for me to lead, yet it was you that gave me the courage to not only suggest it, but take action.

I should have seen it.

I did see it, but I couldn’t imagine the weight of that since it was a burden I never carried.

I had no frame of reference when you called out his name.

My fondest memory was when we went to the ren-faire and you were dressed as a princess. 

My princess.

My would be queen if you would have allowed it. 

That moment was frozen for me as it was the last one that we had.

To say I didn’t see it coming, I don’t think, or at least I want to believe that you didn’t see it either. The gravity was just to much and it pulled you back towards it. 

The words, your words, hurt, but it was your coldness that hurt me the most. 

Not a coldness of what needed to be done, but a coldness of complete indifference to what you were doing.

I was more confused than hurt.

You were around him, but not back with him. That became clear through other friends and if you were not with him, why couldn’t you be with me?

When the two of you started going to our places, that is when I stopped going to them also. 

You stopped talking to me, so I stopped trying to talk to you.

It was the difference with how it looked in the morning sun, and why it took me a few moments to figure out what had happened. 

Windows smashed, paint poured inside and all over the outside.

It happened in the night.

My car destroyed.

Everybody knew who did it. Your friends, my friends, nobody had to say it. I didn’t have to confront you on it because you didn’t do it.

But you did remain silent on it.

That silence hurt the most.

I wanted to hate you, and I think that is why it happened, so I would hate you and that hate would erase what we had.

But it didn’t.

You just couldn’t escape the gravity.

That left me with a choice. 

Stay, or find a new orbit, far away from the places that played our music and that we used to frequent, make sure that out paths never cross again, for both our sake.

When I realized this I had already said yes to the party and I had no idea you would be there also. We stayed on opposite sides of the room, and thankfully there were enough people there that we could pretend it was not obvious. 

With whispers a few pointed you out to me, and I’m sure they pointed me out to you.

I didn’t know you were there to perform, it was something we used to talk about, something you would linger on for a moment before changing the conversation. 

Mic in hand, the music starting, you took the stage and sang.

It looked like nobody was listening, and he definitely wasn’t listening, but I was.

If I had listened to my older self, I would have missed out on that final moment with you.