You got in the car for a few minutes to ask about an assignment and we wound up talking for hours.
I can’t remember the conversation, but I can remember our proximity.
Facing each other, you made me laugh, and you lost some of your shyness.
When you got out of the car I was so happy.
She likes me.
I can see her walking into the night darkness as I lingered in the car, still smiling.
I freeze that moment in my mind, when she left, what if I could whisper in my own ear.
Don’t.
That power behind that one word would have changed the pivot of my entire future.
I would not have entered the dojo, or at least not that dojo at that appointed time, which means our two paths would never have crossed, missing each other in that moment of silence we held.
D. would have still called me years later, and I would have still said yes to his offer, but this time I would not have the architecture of the dojo to save me.
Bishop and KJ, those four years of their life that they poured into the game, would have just faded away, no outsider to take the fall and make it right.
The only positive I could imagine was that I would have had the courage to say yes to the woman in the library and get my umbrella back.
There would have been nothing wrong with having that life.
So what would I really have done again at that moment?
Would I change it and walk away?
I would do it all again despite what it cost me, but not for the reasons of what I gained after you.
I would do it as it was my nature.
I knew she was flirting, and she knew she was flirting, but just to be sure I had my best friend's girlfriend take her out to lunch, girls only, to find out.
You should just kiss her was the verdict.
It was Valentine's Day and in our circle of friends we were the only two without dates, as I think we were both testing each other.
When we finally kissed on the stairs under the moon, my first thought was why did we wait so long?
I was happy to have a girlfriend.
Not just any girlfriend but the best girlfriend.
Somebody witty and funny, who could laugh and listen at the same time, who liked the same kind of music as me.
Who understood Dune, and the other books I enjoyed.
Every time I saw you I wanted to run towards you and take you in my arms.
What I couldn’t see is that you weren’t running towards me, you were running away from him.
Everybody said we should have dinner at that new restaurant down by the water, and it was beautiful, you were beautiful, in your blue dress. Halfway through we realized this wasn’t for us, and we left to go to the bar down the street with the live music.
You were just waiting for me to lead, yet it was you that gave me the courage to not only suggest it, but take action.
I should have seen it coming.
I did see it, but I couldn’t imagine the weight of that since it was a burden I never carried.
I had no frame of reference when you called out his name when we were alone.
My fondest memory was when we went to the ren-faire and you were dressed as a princess.
My princess.
That moment was frozen for me as it was the last one that we had together.
To say I didn’t see it coming, I don’t think, or at least I want to believe that you didn’t see it either.
The gravity was just to much and it pulled you back towards him.
The words, your words, hurt, but it was your coldness that hurt me the most.
Not a coldness of what needed to be done, but a coldness of complete indifference to what you were doing.
I was more confused than hurt.
You were around him, but not back with him. That became clear through other friends and if you were not with him, why couldn’t you be with me?
When the two of you started going to our places, that is when I stopped going to them also.
If I couldn't see you, I certainly did not want to see him.
You stopped talking to me, so I stopped trying to talk to you.
It was the difference with how it looked in the morning sun, and why it took me a few moments to figure out what had happened.
Windows smashed, paint poured inside and all over the outside.
It happened that night.
My car destroyed.
Everybody knew who did it.
Your friends, my friends, nobody had to say it.
I didn’t have to confront you on it because you didn’t do it.
He did it.
But you did remain silent about it.
That silence hurt the most.
I wanted to hate you, and I think that is why you allowed it happened, so I would hate you and that hate would erase what we had.
But it didn’t.
You just couldn’t escape the gravity of him.
That left me with a choice.
Stay or find a new orbit, far away from the places that played our music and that we used to frequent, make sure that our paths never cross again in this life.
When I realized this I had already said yes to the party and I had no idea you would be there also.
We stayed on opposite sides of the room, and thankfully there were enough people there that we could pretend it was not obvious.
With whispers a friend pointed you out to me, and I’m sure they pointed me out to you.
I didn’t know you were there to perform, it was something we used to talk about, something you would linger on for a moment before changing the conversation.
How you wanted to sing.
Mic in hand, the music starting, you took the stage and did it.
It looked like nobody was listening, and he was there but definitely wasn’t listening, but I was.
If I had listened to my older self, I would have missed out on that final moment with you finally sharing your spirit.
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